Filtering out the people that are not for us

Hello friends. Welcome back to connectedness. I'm Fernanda, your host and founder of Filled Cups. And this is a space where we explore what it means to grow, connect, to trust ourselves, and to show up authentically with each other.

Today's conversation is one many of us feel but rarely talk about. What happens when we meet someone and realize this isn't this just isn't it? or when a friendship that once felt aligned begins to feel off.

In this episode, we're going to explore how to filter out the people who are not for us, not with judgment or drama, but with self-rust, self-reflection, and intention. We'll talk about evaluating friendships through the lens of our values. how to tune out emotional responses and what it really means to let go of connections that no longer serve our growth.

Let's get into it.

So, why does this feel kind of taboo to talk about? At least for me, it does because there's a lot of social pressure for us to be nice and keep up the peace. People are have fear of feeling like being seen like they're too picky or cold or judgmental and I think at least what I've seen is there seems to be an unspoken belief of if there's no big falling out, we should keep people in our lives. But truthfully, not everyone is meant to walk with us long term.

This is a little bit tricky. How do you know that? How how do you decide that? What if it's decided for you? Um or if you decide to let go of a relationship, how do you go about doing that? Personally my beliefs and I have not done this perfectly in the past when I've decided to walk away from a friendship. There has been times when it became clear over time after having given that person a chance and getting to know them and seeing how they responded to certain things.

I might not have handled it in a more in an emotionally mature way. Maybe I was afraid or maybe I just wasn't ready or I wasn't emotionally mature enough to have the frank discussion with the person to give that person closure. And I'm ashamed to admit that I likely used the ghosting method, which is not great. Um or the, uh thought, whatever. There's another expression for this that I forgot right now, but it's when you kind of like let the person go gently. Like if they send you a message, you reply politely, but you don't engage or you don't like make plans for the future or anything like that. That was a method that I've used before.

Another time that this was a very long time ago, it became apparent that the person that I decided not to be friends with, they weren't going to disappear from my life if I did it gently or if I didn't talk about it. So, I actually did break up with that friend like explicitly and I feel a lot of peace from that breakup. I feel like I was honest. They knew where I stood. Whenever I saw them again, I didn't feel the pressure to engage with them in a friendly way. Like I wasn't mean or rude to them, but I also wasn't like pretending to be their fake friend. They knew where I stood. They knew that I didn't want to continue the friendship. So in a way that was actually a much cleaner breakup. And I didn't feel after I had that frank discussion with that person. It was fine. Like I was everything was fine. She they were fine. I was fine. So I guess that would be my recommendation.

But let's talk a little bit about this. Let's do a little reality check here. Adult friendships are complex. There's limited time. There's limited energy, limited emotional bandwidth. There's a lot of competing responsibilities. Work, family, parenting, people going through their healing journeys or their personal growth journeys. Friendships, they require a lot of intention and not just proximity or shared history. Not every connection is going to go deep and that's okay. And some people are in our lives for a brief moment. Some people are in our lives for decades. And it's okay if somebody is in they say that you can have friends for a season, for a reason and for a lifetime, right? And that's okay.

So as we're meeting, we're out there, we're being social, we're putting ourselves out there, we're hanging out with new people, how do we evaluate potential friends or existing friendships? There's a framework for us to think about when we're doing this. One way to evaluate is through doing a values check. Do we share the same core values? For example, respect, kindness, and reciprocity or do they live in alignment with what they say they believe? That's something that human beings are we are very well trained to catch on is when somebody says something but then they don't walk the talk.

That's an incongruent value that can it can be very clear to to pick up on. That's one way to look at it and how do you find out about somebody's values really it's asking talking sometimes people will be a lot more upfront with their values or sometimes they'll show their values by what their actions are so it does it's not something you can evaluate instantaneously. It might take a few different times of hanging out with the person or yeah, it's part of the get to know you process, right?

Then there's the consist energy on it. Do I feel drained? Do I feel anxious? Or do I feel unseen after spending time with them? Is this connection some someone I look forward to meeting the or do I feel like I'm obligating myself? If you're feeling those feelings, it could be that maybe that person is just not the right person for you. But I would also recommend that you do a little bit of introspection because sometimes, you know, we all have ups and downs in our moods and sometimes the feeling you're feeling has nothing to do with the person and has everything to do with you and how you are feeling about yourself. So that's just a watch out there.

If you're feeling like you don't want to hang out with anybody, then maybe, you know, that's fine. Or is it something that's prolonged for a long time? And if so, you might want to think about is that normal for you? I'm not a mental health professional, so I I'm not in a position to diagnose anybody by any means, but like usually if somebody is is going through a major hermit phase, there might be some kind of depression going on, you know, it's worth taking a look into.

But if it's just the one, like if you're fine hanging out with a lot of other people, but it's just the one person that you really don't feel like seeing, like listen to your body, you know. Listen to how that person make you feel? So that was energy audit.

Then the next framework is consistency versus chaos. Are they emotionally reliable? Are are they somebody that you can go to with your problems and they and you can trust that they're going to listen with compassion, show caring and and that you feel like you can open up to them. That's what being emotionally reliable is. Is there a pattern of hot and cold behavior or guilt tripping or emotional dumping? Yeah. If every time you meet the person, they just do an emotional dump on you and they don't really ask about you or want to spend time talking about you or listening to your things, then you know after like two three times of this, it's pretty clear that there's a pattern, right? Then hot cold behavior like if they're super nice to you one day but then the next time they're cold. You know that's usually a little bit of a red flag too.

Then the next framework to evaluate friendships is supportive growth. Do we support each other's growth? Do we or do we feel stuck in our old versions of ourselves? Sometimes, you know, a friend will be like a cheerleader. I think I'm a cheerleaders with my friends, by the way. Like, when I become really good friends with with a person, nothing they can do no wrong. Like, and then nobody's good enough for them in terms of dating. So, just watch out there, you guys. I'm just kidding. Sometimes I do. I am happy. I have a friend or two who will find a really nice partner and I'll be very happy for them. So I'm just kidding about that, but and okay, so we talked about the frameworks.

What do we do when you realize that somebody is not for you? You know, first of all, trust the quiet no. It's a subtle but it's a clear internal knowing. Normalize not forcing chemistry or closeness. Normalize not let like you don't have to force anything. And if you don't feel like that's the right person, that's fine. That's fine to pull back. Let the connection fade naturally or the slow fade. That's kind of what I was mentioning earlier.

Or if needed, you know, have a kind direct conversation. And so, like this is an example here that I got from the internet is you, hey, or hey, I've been feeling like we're in different places right now. I still care about you, but I'm needing more space. So, that would be a kind way to kind of try to try to cut the cord a bit and and go your separate ways. You could change that script. Or you could also set boundaries. You could if you say you weren't ready to cut the person off completely, but you just wanted to only see that person in small doses.

For example, you could say, "Hey, like I got a lot going on and I just feel like we would be better off if we only saw each other you know, once a quarter or so, once a month or you know, it's up to you whatever boundary you want to set. And then it's up to them to honor your boundary or not. And if they don't, then you know what the next step is, right?

So, what about the grief that can happen? Grief can happen even if you're the one that's creating the distance. You can love someone and still choose to step back. Letting go can stir up guilt, doubt, or sadness. And that's normal. Grieve the version of that friendship that could have been and thank it. Thank the friendship for what it did offer. And that's, you know, that's perfectly normal feelings.

But then let's talk about the positive side of doing this like what happens when you filter well for a f for friends. When you filter well means you are creating space for aligned nourishing relationships to emerge with the friendships that are still making it in your filter. Do you're deep you're building deeper trust with yourself. you're you're starting to attract friendships that are rooted in mutual care and not obligation or familiarity.

I'm a big believer in this and you know I see a lot of people online that I see a lot of complaints about Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte is a bad place to make friends or people in Charlotte are flaky or uh people are superficial. Well, guess what? Not all people. You can still find non flaky, non superficial people. You got to look for them. You got to evaluate the people you're meeting. You got to hang out, give people a chance. And the only way you find out about this is by going uh finding ways to be exposed to those people multiple times. Whether it be through a meetup or a repeated group or whether you're creating the you're creating the times. You're the one going, "Okay, let's go for coffee. Let's have a dinner at my house. Let's take a walk or whatever." And you find ways to to evaluate people through those filters in a natural way and then you decide okay I would love to see this person some more or no this person's okay I don't need to see them more.

And just keep in mind that friendships in adulthood are complicated enough and our lives are so complicated that if somebody chooses to reduce their exposure to you, like if you're on the receiving end of that reduced exposure, yeah, it's hard. Like being rejected sucks. Nobody likes it. But I think I choose to see it as an opportunity for myself to find the friends who do want to be with me. So one of the boundaries I set for myself, I think it was a few years ago even, man, I'm losing track of time. I am only going to quote "chase after people who are chasing me".

So if like no matter how much I love a person, if I think the person is amazing, if I reach out to them a few times asking them to go out, hang out, whatever, and if I feel if I get noticed that the answer is always no, no, no. Oh, I'm too busy or I give up and it's sad and uh but I'm not gonna chase after someone who's not interested in hanging out with me. Like I deserve better than that, right?

So like, you know, I just put my faith out into the universe that I'm going to find other people who genuinely do want to hang out with me. And that it's okay if that person doesn't for whatever reason. It could be nothing to do with me. It could be nothing personal against me. It could be their own stuff going on. I'm not going to take it personally. I'm just going to be okay. It's not their time for me. It's not my time for them, I guess. And or it's not our time to be friends. and I'll respect that and I'll just move on to find uh people who who do want to prioritize me as a friend or who do want to hang out with me, who do want to invite me to things or make plans with me.

So that's my one way of looking at this. And so that's another way to filter, right? It's filtering out the people who don't who are not responsive. So, I would love to hear your thoughts on this. It's a little bit of a tricky subject. And feel free to email me, comment in the podcast or in the YouTube video or on social media on Instagram um or Tik Tok. And, you know, thank you for this, for listening to me during this solo episode.

It was an honest and necessary conversation on connectedness. Remember that we're all allowed to be discerning. We are all allowed to choose relationships that nourish us and gently release the ones that no longer feel aligned. There's there doesn't need to be drama. There doesn't need to be a villain or you know somebody who did something bad. Just clarity, self-trust, and understanding that not everyone is for us and we're not for everyone either.

If this episode brought something for you, I'd love to hear it. Come find me on Instagram at Filledcups or my other social media and let's keep the conversation going.